Just a note to tell you how well you’re doing. You’re listening to me and allowing me to sway you. I love that you’ve allowed me to take over your life. Sometimes I even keep you up at night and that makes me feel downright badass.
And isn’t it fun that you pretend you don’t even know it’s me under the surface? Well, ok, perhaps you don’t know that I’m in charge, you’re so distracted maybe you’ve not noticed. For me, that’s even better. It’s like you’d rather me be in charge of your life than you!
And you, bless your heart, filling your schedule and needing to be busy, busy, busy – we both know it’s because you don’t want to be alone with me. When you’re alone, you seem more aware of me and as long as you keep doing what you’re doing, I’m not going anywhere.
So don’t worry. Stay busy, fill your schedule, deflect and deny. Keep putting things off until another day. You can act like you don’t want me around but I can tell you do. You’re not willing to get rid of me and why should I leave? I own you. I’m relentless and in charge. I can’t be slept away. You can’t drink me away either. You think you can ‘busy’ me away – how endearing that you think I’d start to fade just because you fill every waking moment with distractions. Who do you think keeps you up at night, Cupcake? It’s like you think you can ignore me away. That’s not a thing you know. I won’t magically disappear just because you want me to.
I think it’s cute how you move away from pain more than you move toward pleasure. You don’t even know what that means – not really. It’s because you’ve not gotten to know pleasure yet because you’re too busy trying to dull the pain. You think pleasure comes from dulling the pain. I think y’all call that the human condition – well, the ones who know about that sort of thing. See, you’ll put more effort into dulling that sadness and loneliness you carry around than you will trying to get to the core of why you feel that way. It’s probably someone else’s fault anyway – I mean come on, your life isn’t your responsibility. If you’re feeling something uncomfortable it must be because someone did you wrong! Just keep that mindset and I’ll always be right here with you. You’re doing great.
Sometimes though it’s almost like you don’t want me around. You know, when you close and tighten and shutter your hatches, trying to be guarded and brave – like you’re trying to get rid of me but then I realize – you’re not locking me out – all you’ve done is lock me in!
I know you don’t really want to get to know me and learn why I’m here and that is so reassuring to me. I don’t want you to know too much about me. The less you know about me the better, that way you and I will be together for a long time. Stay in the darkness, Cupcake…you don’t want to start asking questions that might make you feel a feeling, would you? I mean, don’t you humans prefer the pain you know rather than venturing into the unknown?
Everyone talks about reaching out these days – y’all are so funny sometimes with the, “sounds good” and “I’ll reach out”; I sometimes have to work at not laughing out loud. But you’re doing great. Please keep it up. Those silly distractions and empty words are like belly rubs to me. You keep “reaching out” because the day you start “reaching in”, and wanting to know who I am and where I came from, I’m in trouble and we wouldn’t want that now would we?
Sweet dreams, Cupcake.
The Fear That Lives Inside You